Introspection

I have felt a bit like a leaf in the wind this week; Blown around by the will of the wind, feeling like life is out of my control as it continually blows me one direction when I clearly want to go another. I think I usually do pretty well at going with the flow, but at other times I feel a need for a clear purpose and get so frustrated when the plans I make for myself are upset.

As I’m trying to pull myself out of my blogging slump, and my emotional somberness, I have been searching for a topic that is relevant to my current situation. Only, I just can’t seem to decide what my current situation is. Lack of motivation? Loss of interest? Generally overwhelmed? Selfishness? Stubbornness? Impatience? Rebellion?… So I thought I would look back on the General Conference just before Hunter was born. I’m not sure why, but I wondered if I might remember some of those things that inspired me before I entered into motherhood. I am still a bit lost, and this week I hope to get back on track by being more diligent in my scripture study. That is one thing I haven’t done much of, if any (wince), lately and I can feel that I have lost the guidance of the spirit that comes from it.

This talk struck a chord with me, I’m not really sure how to process it yet, but I thought I would share:

The Time to Prepare – Joseph B Wirthlin

…It has been said that “life is such a precious gift, it should be guarded from needless dilution. . . . ‘Each day is not just another day but more like a falling drop of water, a golden moment of life’s span adding to an increasingly rich pool of living.'”
Indecision can immobilize or paralyze us, hindering our preparation in mortality. We can become like the people of Nineveh whom the Lord described to Jonah as “persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand.” The Apostle James observed that “a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” An old Swiss saying describes such indecision in these words:

With one foot in,
with one foot out,
You can’t be in,
you can’t be out–
Not warm, not cold,
not square, not round,
More poor than poor
and always bound.
For such a man
will never know
where to begin
or where to go.

We cannot be double minded in our relationships with husband or wife, parents or children. Are we going to savor the enjoyment of our children after they are a little older and we are not so busy? What about the valued friendships that fade because of the thoughtful, lengthy letters we plan to write but never finish and send? Are we faithful in going to our temples regularly? Consider the books we are going to read, the impulses to kindness we are going to act upon, and the good causes we are going to espouse. Are we always packing our bags with the things we value most in life but never leave on the trip? Does tomorrow never come? Let us resolve to begin to live today–not tomorrow, but today–this hour while we yet have time.

We know that death is a necessary transition. It will come sooner or later to each of us. Our mortal bodies will return to earth, and our spirits will return to the spirit world. By virtue of the Savior’s atoning sacrifice, we all will be resurrected. Each of us will stand before the judgment bar of the great Jehovah and be rewarded according to our deeds in mortality.

If we make every earthly decision with this judgment in mind, we will have used our mortal probation wisely and its days will give us peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.