Advice for Newlyweds
So, as you know my brother Matt is getting married to Ashley this August (the day after our 11th Anniversary!). I was thinking back on my engagement and remembering all of the advice I got. Ok, I don’t remember a lot of it, but it seemed like everyone I talked to had something to say ranging from: “It’s never too late to back out” all the way to: “If you focus on making the other person happy, you’ll have a wonderful marriage.”
Since we all have our own philosophies on what makes a successful marriage, I’d like to hear what some of your thoughts are. Here’s your chance to get them out!
I’ll start. Rob and I take turns saying a couple’s prayer every night. We pray for things that concern both of us, and it helps us communicate with each other as well as with Heavenly Father. Afterwards we stay kneeling and say our own personal prayers. This makes for a good balance between being united in purpose and keeping some things to ourselves.
Don’t criticize the way your spouse does a job. whether it is dishes, laundry, sweeping, mowing, or diapering babies. If it’s clean in the end who cares how it got done! (The diapering babies one stressed me out at first, but then I realized he might just say, “Fine you do it!” and then I was fine. When we were first married Rob really tried to get me to fold laundry a certain way, but I resisted and he hasn’t mentioned it since.)
And lastly, go to bed angry, but do resolve it later. Yes, I know this one goes against all logic and Rob may disagree with me on this one, but I have found that trying to work things out sometimes works best after some sleep. The rest will give you better perspective than you had at 1:00 am.
I love what you had to say Amy, seriously great advice! Here’s mine- You may think your spouse knows you really well, but no matter what, THEY CAN’T READ YOUR MIND, and you shouldn’t ever just expect them to. Open your mouth, and TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT, nicely and with love of course. A small example: Craig used to buy me red roses for special occaision’s, but I actually hate red roses. I love tulips, lilies mums, and daisies so I realized he would never know if I didn’t tell him, so I did. Now he gets me lots of different kinds of flowers, and no more red roses. But even when he bought me roses before, I never pouted or anything, I always thanked him for such a sweet gift and for thinking of me, because that’s what he was doing, whether they were my fave or not.
It was so sweet and nice of Gary when he suprised me on my birthday with german chocoloate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream.
My advice is to not argue and to have a perfect marriage like me and Mark.
Just kidding, I actually agree with you Amy about going to bed angry, because I used to try and keep Mark up having “talks” and he always woke up so tired from lack of sleep, so we agreed not to have our “talks” at bed time.
Also, nothing brings a couple together more than getting through being sick. I’m sure everyone knows by now that Mark held my hair for me while I was sick when we were first dating. I can’t believe Mark stayed with me after that.
True Love!
I was actually going to say something very similar to Heather…say what you mean and mean what you say. Often we think that men think like us, but MEN DO NOT THINK LIKE WOMEN. It is counterproductive to think that if you say one thing he will read your mind and will know what you really mean. In our marriage “no means no and yes means yes”. If I tell Jed that I want something that isn’t exactly what I want then it is MY fault when I don’t get it. This realization has saved us both a lot of headaches.
So men are allowed to post a reply to this one too, right?
First, ditto on the “go to bed angry” comment. I’m glad that Tracy and I are not alone in that – I was starting to wonder. Life has been much better since we figured that one out.
Secondly, a wise man once told me, “Make your wife happy, and you will have joy.” That’s true!!
Thirdly, the source of most problems in marriage is selfishness. OK, no further explanation needed.
Lastly, if your husband seems really annoyed at you, or is really short tempered at times, it is probably because (a) he needs sleep, (b) he is hungry, (c) he needs attention.
OK, so I can’t speak for all men, but hopefully there is something useful here.
Once you say “Yes” at the altar, the time for doubt and hesitation is past. The time for patience and learning begins. Shortly you will realize how little you really knew about one another when you started your journey, and how much you still need to learn about life and living. Watch the film, “The Enchanted Cottage”, and try to see one another in that way. Remember: “Youth is wasted on the wrong people.” Don’t squander your time while you are young. There’s time for that later. Weave patterns and habits into every day that will fill your life with spirit, inspiration, and joy. Listen in order to understand, seek to learn and grow spiritually, work hard, pray hard, serve, and strive for a soft response to criticism. The rest is easy.
I agree with everyone’s advice.
I also think Communication is so important. I think that women need to learn to take their hubby’s word for what he is saying and DONT read into it. I have learned so much about communicating since I have been married and I am still learning.
I also believe that it is SO important to spend time together connecting especially after kids (life can get so crazy and busy).
Enjoy every moment even the unpleasant ones. Like a mouse in your first apartment and sticky traps stuck to your hubbys favorite shorts. They seem grose at the time but bring laughter later. All the happy times and craziness will bring you closer and closer together.
I want to add to Brother Chris’s comment. It was the exact same advice I was going to give. It was originally said by my good friend Nosa Abonkonkon, from Nigeria. He said, “Make your wife happy, and you will have peace.” As he said “peace,” he would always add some depth and resonance to his voice for effect. Chris and I have always found peace in our marriage as we have tried to meet the other’s needs before our own. Usually, if there is a discord in our marriage, we can fix it by being more attentive to each other.
Ok, so I guess I don’t have any marriage advice but I would like to thank you all for yours. I know it will get old but that doesn’t mean it won’t help so please keep the advice coming!