Honorable, Happy, Successful Marriage

Before continuing on with my “how we met story” I thought it appropriate to take a break and share a lesson from church about having a successful marriage. I read through the lesson yesterday thinking it would be today’s presentation at church. Fortunately for me, things were rearranged so it will be next week. I spent that time in the nursery with Sabrina this week, so I missed today’s class. (Sabrina has been in the nursery class for a few weeks now, and I think we may be able to leave her there soon without too much fuss. So far she has liked having a parent as a wall flower, Just so she feels safe. We don’t mind though, she’s so cute!)

I loved this lesson from Spencer W Kimball. He is very straightforward and there are so many things in here that I think everyone contemplating marriage should read. And of course those of us who are already married should read through it and take a personal inventory.

“Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations…

Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage is not a legal coverall, but it means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all…

The mere performance of a ceremony does not bring happiness and a successful marriage. Happiness does not come by pressing a button, as does the electric light; happiness is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned. It cannot be purchased with money; it cannot be taken for nothing.

Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness…

Two people coming from different backgrounds learn soon after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning…

Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. …Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.

There is a never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage; but like all formulas, the principal ingredients must not be left out, reduced, or limited. The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.

In a marriage commenced and based upon reasonable standards …, there are not combinations of power which can destroy it except the power within either or both of the spouses themselves; and they must assume the responsibility generally. Other people and agencies may influence for good or bad. Financial, social, political, and other situations may seem to have a bearing; but the marriage depends first and always on the two spouses who can always make their marriage successful and happy if they are determined, unselfish, and righteous.

The formula is simple; the ingredients are few, though there are many amplifications of each.

First, there must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals. And then those two parties must come to the altar in the temple realizing that they must work hard toward this successful joint living.

Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, there must be a complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur.”

Lucky for me I am in what I consider to be a happy, successful marriage! Reading through this lesson I have seen several areas that I can improve on though. Maybe one of the easier ones would be starting with a better system for date nights. The problem is that I don’t plan ahead and get a sitter. There has been a lot of talk in my circle about date night swaps. I may have to get in on that!

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How We Met

I’m a little behind, but still trying to jump on the bandwagon. My sisters-in-law have posted their “how we met” stories and so I went back and read up on mine. Yes, there was a time when I was a faithful journal writer. I would write at least every Sunday… up until I got married. Rob and I were just reading through it last night and having some laughs together.

As a bit of background: Rob and I were in the same student ward on campus. He lived in the building right next to mine. Our fire escapes faced each other… Early on in the year one of my roommates had gone on a date with Rob that didn’t go too well. Consequently, our apartment thought he was a jerk. I don’t remember the details on why we thought that, but we were girls and so had made our assessments of him based on our roommate’s story. I didn’t have any interaction with him through that fall or winter.

In the spring I had just broken up with a boyfriend and some of my friends were trying to help me get out and busy. They said they would put together a group date and find my date. That guy ended up being Rob’s roommate. The date went pretty well and not long afterwards “Guy” (name changed to protect the innocent) asked me out again. We had our second date and I thought he was really nice so I was hoping to get the word to him. Here’s what I wrote about it in my journal: “I talked to Rob, Guy’s roommate, tonight… He asked me if I had fun with Guy… (and) told me about how Guy is his favorite roommate… I said ‘I can tell he’s totally cool’… Hopefully that will get him to ask me out again because I know Rob has a big mouth.” (Rob loves to read this entry and thinks it’s hilarious. Especially because as a freshman he once had a roommate move out because he thought Rob was too quiet. Poor guy can’t win!) So our first conversation was all about how great I thought his roommate was, and him encouraging me to stay interested in him. My third date with “Guy” was a group date that Rob was also on. That date went ok, but things sort of fizzled out with me and Guy.

Over the next few weeks I started running into Rob and his two best friends more often and having a great time with them. There was about one more month left in the semester and there was plenty of drama to go around. I had friends that were annoyed with me because their apartment was a hangout for Rob and his buddies and I was showing up more and more. I thought they were feeling threatened by me and kept assuring them that I was just being friendly. And honestly, I was trying not to step on anyone’s toes, but didn’t want to completely back off. We went on a couple of group dates where we did silly things like make ice cream sculptures. On one date we did a scavenger hunt and as part of it Rob bought me a plastic angel ring. I still have it unless one of my girls has found it… but the semester came to a close with one last surprise.

I had been outside talking with Rob late into the night/ morning and came into my apartment to fall into bed. But just as I walked to my room I heard another of my roommates, Anna Marie, coming home. I was surprised because she never stayed out late and so I stopped to talk to her for a minute in the hallway. As we were talking we heard our other roommate, Kelly, who was sleeping in the other room, start saying some crazy things and we laughed that she must be having a nightmare. Then she started to sound scary like she was choking. We went in the room to wake her up and discovered that she was having a seizure! She had her head stuck between the bed and the wall and so I tried to lift her up onto the bed. It was hard to do because she was really tensed up. I then ran to call 911 while Anna Marie tried to wake her up and talk to her. My sister Erica, who was also my roommate, woke up and we all waited for the ambulance. The ambulance came but only one person could ride with Kelly, so Erica went with her and, not having a car of my own, I called Rob to drive me and Anna Marie to the hospital. He did, and stayed with us for the next few hours. We all had final exams the next day, so Rob could have easily dropped us off and gone home to sleep. But he stayed with us and I saw a calmness in him that was so comforting in a time of confusion.

I had decided to stay for the summer term to take a few classes and work full time. It also helped that I knew Rob would be doing the same. Over the break in between terms, Rob and his friends went to Las Vegas. We both missed each other a lot and when he came back we spent all of our time together. This is when we really started dating. He was happy, sweet, sincere, and my best friend. Although I had tried to convince myself that marriage was not for me right then, I completely fell for him. One of the things that made me like him even more was meeting his family. They were just happy and normal and I loved seeing how he interacted with his parents (especially his Mom), siblings, and little Dylan and Ciel. By the way, it wasn’t for show. He is still great with all of them! They are probably laughing reading this, but it’s true, his family made me love him more.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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September is National Preparedness Month

How many times have you put off buying emergency kits because you thought you would just do it on your own? If you’re like me it never happened. So I bought mine from Totally Ready and now at least I know I have that covered. It was nice the other day when our power went out for almost 24 hours and we used the glow sticks and flashlights when the sun went down. I also used mylar blankets during the day in my windows that get the most sun to reflect the heat out. They worked great and were nice and big for covering large windows and sliding doors. My Mom’s latest article, “30 More Days and 30 More Ways to be Prepared.” gives a list of all the things you can do to get prepared this month. I’m already behind, so you can catch up on last week with me, but this is what’s on tap for this week:

September 9th
As a family read “Members in Coalinga Respond to Earthquake” (Ensign, July 1983, 77–78). Mom and Dad should read the article “Ready to Go!” (Friend, Jul 2007, 8–11) and plan a similar exercise for Family Home Evening tomorrow.

September 10th
Hold a family home evening based on the article “”Ready to Go.”

September 11th
Evaluate your preparations to care for your pets.

1. Have you assembled 72-hour kits for your pets? These should include water, food, medications, up-to-date vaccination and other medical records, vaccination records, collar, toys, food and water dishes, and sanitation
2. Also be sure you have someone who will care for your pets, outside of your immediate neighborhood, if you need to leave your home.
3. Make a list of foods and medications you need for a 1 month supply for each pet.
4. Make a list of items you need to gather or purchase.

September 12th
Gather or purchase the items on your pet needs list and place them in a pet 72-hour kit.

September 13th
Place an extra set of important keys in adult 72-hour kits, safe deposit box, at work, next to your bed, and with a neighbor. Keys should include all cars, homes, homes of those you have promised to help evacuate, offices, recreational vehicles, mail boxes, and storage sheds.

September 14th
Add $10.00 to your coin bank for spending on emergency needs.

September 15th — Get the house ready:

1. If you live in hurricane country, take necessary measurements and purchase supplies needed to board up windows. Don’t forget screws and bolts. Take supplies home and pre-drill holes to make installation fast
2. If you live in earthquake or tornado areas, purchase items to strap your water heater and to secure large furniture items such as dressers and sideboards to walls, and then do it.
3. If you live in a flood area, purchase and place survival items in your attic. See Meridian articles: “Preparing for a Flood,” “Prepare Your Home for the Unexpected” and “Prepare to Evacuate!“.

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In About Nine Years…

In about nine years I’ll be looking for dresses for dances, and entering the dating world with Emma… When we were back at my Mom’s for the wedding, she and Emma dug my wedding dress out of the closet, (I keep it there because we move so darn much and the train is long and bulky) and Emma just had to try it on. She looked so pretty in it and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed seeing her feeling beautiful in my dress. It was a moment where I thought, “wouldn’t it be fun if she wore this for her wedding too?” Then I snapped back to reality and thought by then the styles will have changed a few more times and I don’t think she’ll be interested. I can just hear Hunter now quoting, “I like your sleeves, they’re real big.”

With that day in the back of my mind I was looking through the website, Beautifully Modest and came across this dress that I just loved! If Emma, Hannah, or Sabrina were old enough and wanting it I would be seriously tempted. The price is a bit out of control, but I’m dreaming here… I love the belt, the colors, the flowing skirt and all of the sequins, so pretty and girly! They also have a wedding dress in this pattern, which I think is gorgeous too. I’ll file it away, and maybe in nine years I’ll be back!

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A Very Merry Unbirthday

This messes things up a bit as far as dates go, but I just had to do a post about the Unbirthday Party we had with the cousins in Utah. We never get to celebrate with any of them because we are so far away, so I thought it would be fun to throw a party and celebrate with everyone at once. Melanie made a fancy cake and cupcakes, Heidi brought a delicious desserty fruit salad, Korby brought pinatas and goody bags, and Heather drove the 45 minutes with her 7 kids to be there too! We had a picnic dinner and the kids played in the park in between eating, hitting the pinatas, and opening presents. It was so much fun! Adler got stomp rockets that the kids had to try out right then, and we had a couple of rescue missions to get them off of roofs and out of trees. We’ll have to do it again!

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